Whale Vomit

At last!

Just what I like! A picture of a saucy lass with some
whale vomit! What could be nicer for sea-faring eyes!

I may be missing for a while............. off to montauk!

*Special Report*

Squids In For Kiwi Fishermen

By Our UK Correspondent in Manchester

The news of a record-breaking colossal squid being
captured by meddling Kiwi fishermen has reverberated
around the globe.

Despite the fact that it happened over 7000 miles
away, and that nobody in the UK really gives a toss,
even Her Majesty’s very own multimedia plaything the
BBC reported this momentous haul.

The Mesonychoteuthis hamiltoni, or Bllody Big Scary
Thing That Looks Like It Should Have Been In Aliens 2
Or Something for non-Latin readers, was caught on 22
February 2007.

It took a full classroom of 33 and 1/3 local children
with standard-sized rulers to measure the precise
length of the ten metre long monstrosity.

In the short term the kids were initially overjoyed at
escaping double English with Miss Murray to perform
this crucial scientific act. In the long term they
will be scarred for life after staring into the dead
squid’s volleyball-sized eyes all afternoon.

Meanwhile, back in Blighty a clearly excited Professor
Flotsam Seaweed, senior lecturer in tadpole studies at
Crapstown University, said:

“ This is the largest water-based creature I’ve ever
witnessed.

“ As a young lad I did once see a pretty big goldfish
when the fair came to town that may have been bigger
than this squid thing.

“ However, I was unable to study it in closer detail
and verify the goldfish’s dimensions.

" The cheating gypos wouldn’t hand it over even though
I won it fair-and-square on the hook-a-duck. I told my
dad but he said not to argue with the nice travelling
man as he’d probably ‘take your kneecaps off’. The
b*stard. “

Scientists in New Zealand are now debating whether to
chop the squid up into millons of tiny pieces in the
name of research or coat it in mountains of flour, pop
it into the world’s biggest deep fat fryer and live
off calamari for the next two years.

Holy Bioluminescent squid, Batman!

Darting through the murky depths,
twisting around, darting around, forward and backwards! Who knows from which direction he will strike?

Ahhhh! The lights! Blinding!

By the reflection of these lights, the squid discovers my watery whereabouts..................................

and plunges me to my doooom!

(I can only hope that he gets eaten by a sperm whale or a shark)

Comparative biology.

After reading this article soon to be expertly critiqued by my favourite Manchurian. I was reminded of the wonder of one of my favourite branches of biology........Comparative Biology!

I thought that I should share with you three of my favourite comparative facts about squid!


1. If you made calamari from a giant squid, It would be as large as Tractor tyres!


2. The eyes of a giant squid can be as large as dinner plates!.....................Spooooky!





Or....................if you are going for the 3D angle............ as large as Volley Balls!


3. NOW! We have the size of a colossal squid compared to a double decker bus! (Thanks to BBC....

Whale facts.

Whales are a HOT! topic around my house right now. Tess came home after a distressing vision- a beached whale with chunks missing. Word on the street was it got hacked by a propellor and then (oh god) the sharks came. Oh the sharks! The terrible sharks! The sharks with the teeth! The terrible teeth! The terrible sharks with the terrible teeth! THey came. They bit. Chunks! They came and bit CHUNKS! With their terrible teeth! Ras (what would he know anyway) said it couldn't have been a propellor BUT the Newcastle Herald (a trustworthy tome) thought otherwise. And ANYHOW, terrible sharks with terrible teeth can confuse any situation which Ras should really have known, but didn't, because he knows nothing. So I say, terrible Ras. With his terrible teeth! Chunks! Sharks!

Rest in peace whale.

I walked in the door, chill tendrils of mist twirled across the cold tiled floor. Each step felt like a step towards my own doom. I knew from the signs, that the moment that I had awaited my entire life for......was now.

Fish swam nonchalantly towards my head. Sharks and stingrays circled their prey, but today they were not for me. I, to coin the phrase had bigger fish to fry. The anticipation mounted as I passed the conga eels. They were cool. I was distracted.

Suddenly my heart stopped. Across the room, staring at me, it's eye as large as a dinner plate was my foe. It stared at me, I stared at it. A battle of wills was unfolding. We stood locked, eye to eye for what seemed like hours. The ice enclosing my foe began to shake as if it would smash from the psychic energy being created around it. Alarms sounded, aquarium staff rushed in, took one look around them and decided who had to go.

They got me in an arm-lock and escorted me from the premises.

Otherwise I don't know who would have won.

Favourite Sayings #2

Its an eel weend that blows nobody any good!

Pirate Superstitions-Holding me back.

1. Avoid people with red hair when going to the ship to begin a journey.
Red heads bring bad luck to a ship, which can be averted if you speak to the red-head before they speak to you.

2.Women on board a ship make the sea angry, but a naked woman on board will calm the sea.

Well, I guess it is nothing that a good dye job and costume change can't fix.

Liger-tasticness.

Ok, I am back again from my voyage of discovery! And boy, if you could see some of the sights that I have seen.....your hair would curl! Or at least grow on your chest. One of the wonders that I encountered was two-fold.

I saw a Liger! Yes, They do exist! Napoleon Dynamite's favourite animal! For some scientific background, a Liger appears when a Lioness and a tiger love each other very much.

The second most exciting thing about a liger is that the gene that stops tigers growing is passed down the female line, so not only do you have an amalgamation of two hideously fearsome beasts! They are HUGE!

But, the MOST exciting thing about them is that they like to hang round with Nicholas Cage.

mail.

Every home should have one!

They say that everyone should face their fears. Rather like me living at the sea side. But thanks to this lady I am inspired once again.

Such dedication.

Maybe I should crochet myself a gigantic squid net, to hang over my verandah.

That'd scare him off!

Espadrilles

Forever immortalised in the filmclip for Whigfield-"Sexy Eyes" (My favourite ever film-clip in which the lovely Danish Pop sensation- dressed in capri-pants and espadrilles, dances down to the Docks and picks up two sailors). Espadrilles are consequently proven to be the hottest type of shoe that it is possible to get.

Invented by the Basque people, these shoes have bases woven out of rushes, invented origionally to make it easy for peasants to cross swamps with ease- as the bases float in water, and are easy for babies to hide in.

Espadrilles are mainly found on the European coastal areas, mainly for sophistocated jet-setters with oversized glasses, but I say that Espadrilles should be for everyone! COME JOIN ME!

I know that you will Shaye!

Wonders of the World Pt 2

Welcome to Part Two in our special series of "Great Wonders of the World". This week, cunningly concealed as a flight of stairs....is the Sea Organ of Zadar, courtesy of Captain Adam. As far as I can see it, these crafty Croatians have harnessed the power of the sea to create MUSIC! Sweet Music!

Lets whip over to an eye-witness account...The Organ Mirrors "The sweet serenade of mother nature's moods, movements, and moments. The subtle caress of our mother earth is channelled through 35 individual pipes to provided a succulent audio sensation that envelopes the ear. Rarely has 'Relax' sounded so amazing..."

So! I know that I am curious to know more! Lets throw the comments open for Question time!

Sea Jokes

What was Tsar Nicholas II's favourite fish?
Tsardines!

A postcard from Cass.

"Spent a night at Napier, I slept like a baby after the day I'd had!

We pulled up at the beach- a long stretch of black/grey pebbles and cool green waters. There was a storm brewing in the distance. I sat there for a while soaking up the brilliant colour scheme, then heard a call of distress. Using my binoculars I saw a whale thrashing about with long tentacles wrapped around it.

I have nothing against the giant squid, but you are one of my best friends and he is your nemesis, so I knew what I had to do. I swam out as fast as I could and in no time managed to free the whale. We wrestled for hours with black clouds swirling above and waves crashing down.

When I thought I could fight no more I managed to get into position and stared deep into one of his gigantic eyes. I almost felt sorry for the beast.

Then with all my force I punched it, my arm went right up into my shoulder-A trick I learnt from Buffy!

He spasmed a few minutes, then was still. The waves died down and the clouds parted letting the glorious sunlight through.

The frazzled but grateful whale took us to shore and I presented the corpse to the National Aquarium-conveniently located right on the beach."

Sensible Signs (Part 2)

"Invoking strange Deities may cause Flash Flooding"

A Bad Rap.

Hey- like all of you (with no missing limbs) I guess. I have always been somewheat afraid of sharks. But in my research, I was really surprised to find this picture of a friendly shark. He is even giving the nice man a ride on his back.

No more will I be constrained by the hype of the media and their whole "they have sharp teeth and eat people" crap.

Sharks are your buddies.

Sensible signs

"Beware of Giant Octopi lurking just below water level-ready to pull you down to your watery doom."

Good advice.

"If your shoes are mouldier than your cheese, you should really throw them out."

Yeah Kate!

How to get over those ammonia stew blues.

Huzzah!
While sitting here wondering what to eat, (now that GIANT SQUID STEW is off the menu) searching for new and exciting EXTREME CRAFT ideas......I found this! A gadet to make sausages look like Octopi! Genius! It just may be the greatest invention of our time! For all the vegetarians, I am sure it will work with soy sausages too. Hell, I bet it will even work with bananas!

Be hungry no more!

My favourite facts about the giant squid.

Ok, due to the insane amount of messages and panicked phone calls that I have recieved in the last week, I know that everyone is insanely excited about, and following the news about those crazy scientists who caught a LIVE giant squid on camera! Which you can find out about here, and here.

So how about that eh? To summarise and paraphrase (for those who can't be assed to go to the links) Scientists found the giant squid by following Sperm Whale migration patterns to a ledge near some islands south of Japan, and using baits dropped them some 1000m (not Km!!!) into the ocean, and lured the giant squid into an intense battle to escape the lure. Thus catching an 8.5metre beauty on camera. (which as large as it seems is still quite small for a giant squid, which can grow up to 25 metres.) This desperate battle lasted for about four-hours, and culminated in this monster losing a tentacled limb. (which clung to the desks-like a crazy suckered thing).


It has got me thinking, that perhaps this is the point at which due to public interest being raised-I should start to share my favourite facts about giant squid with you. (This may have to have a couple of episodes. )

1. Giant sqid have eyes as large as dinner-plates. (How hot is that!)

2. Giant Squid OFTEN wash up along the Temperate coasts, and are often found washed up dead off the shores of Tasmania and NZ.

3. It is one of the great ironies of life that even though the calamari from a giant squid is as large as tractor tyres- YOU CAN'T EAT THEM! As instead of having air-filled sacks as flotation devices, they have ammonia filled cells. So despite the insane quantity that you would be able to make, your squid stew would taste like cat-piss.

4. Giant squid can grow up to 25 metres. (To put this into perspective, I am way less than 2 metres tall)

5. Giant squid and Sperm-Whales are natural enemies, and Sperm Whales are often found with huge sucker marks (over 40cm in diameter) left on them from their undersea battles.

So put that in your pipe and smoke it!

Hotness!

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes.

Well, of course everyone will recognise the photo of me on the left. But alas no more! I have had a haircut.

I have posted a new photo of myself, so now you will have no-excuse anymore for passing me without recognition in the street.

Nemeses Confronted

Well kids! Let me not say that I am not breeding up a race of super-explorers. Searching the world from top to tail for strange sea beasts.

After our recent call to action on this topic, with Mark straying into Giant Crab Territory. It just goes to show, that sometimes you find things where you least expect it.

Young Captain Adam was just innocently walking through the sunny streets of Vienna. Perhaps re-living some of his favourite scenes from Inspector Rex, admiring the bad haircuts and perhaps hoping that he might see Inspector Moser showing his charm to young ladies.

Perhaps still thinking of Rex, Adam walked into the beautiful old Natural history Museum. In which there was an old man who was hiding diamonds in one of the stuffed Polar Bears on the top floor. He was filled by the wonder of the dinosaur bones......(Oh these ancient beasts! Why are you no more?) Torn by his reflections, Adam notices that his bladder was full. He climbs the stairs to the bathroom. I like to think that at this point-he felt a shiver go up and down his spine- A premonition of what was to come.

I will now cross over to Captain Adam's testimony- which is an eyewitness account, written as we all know in his favourite tense. The third person.

"Adam's in Vienna, Adam Goes to Natural History Museum. Adam sees cool
dinosaurs. Adam goes to toilet upstairs. Adam sees........JAPANESE GIANT
CRABS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh how i laughed at my dead nemesis! All dead like
in that glass display. Oh how sweet it felt to scream "I am the
greatest!!!" at the top of my lungs and hear it reverberate in the carcass
of a once great, now humbled creature. I stood there and laughed with all
my heart, for i had finally tasted the sweetness that is, victory!
I think that is all i can handle to tell you for now, in fact i think that
is all i ever need to say again."

Extreme Health Warnings -Part 1

" Dehydration- It's for Losers"
You know its true!

Things I like about my friends -Part One

This is a picture of Katie Cheese and Ducky Tong.



One of the things that I like about these two is that they are -

Very serious about things during the week,
but on the weekend, they like to have fun!

Summer of Love...

"Indians are very passionate people -you know dear" was the reaction of Mrs Pitt, (My flatmate's mother) when I told her of my growing passion for VVS Laxman in the summer of 2003.

It had been a long hot summer, and I had become enamoured of this very fine batsman- (while painting lovely, silly Nana Jude's kitchen) and as the temperature and his batting averages increased- so did my affection.

Surprisingly for me, (as I had had no actual contact with the man) he felt the attraction too, and started ringing the house........ Mainly just before I got home from somewhere, and -he always spoke to my flatmate Kerrie. Try and try as she might, she could never arrange for us to meet. She would invite him over to dinner on Thursday, but he would have to play another day down in Melbourne- or another time I remember he was be stuck in a Press Conference, and did not arrive until I had just left the house.

Would we never get it together???????

As the test came to a close, I was devastated that I might not see him before he went back to India!

My one true love! VVS! VVS! The time came, when I saw that plane that must hold my love-flying right over my head!

He must come back, I hoped, preyed, wept, etc etc. No histrionics were spared to display to the world my despair. As Valentines Day ominously loomed, every cut out pink heart seemed to cut my heart to the very core. HOW! How could he forsake me! After all we had been through together!

On February 14th morning came, and every lover loving, appeared to be dressed in cricket flannels. Every kiss on the lips seemed to sound like the sound of a cricket ball being hit (By HIM!) to another century. I was in a daze. Heaven knows how I got through that cruel day.

It was not till evening that as I approached my house (in which I had so very nearly had so many fun times with VVS) with a heavy head. Walking along with my nose to the ground, every piece of gravel passed my wandering eye like the camera doing a panoramic sweep of the crowd in the SCG. (ooh! look! There is a really pretty piece sunning itself!) Then! I saw a flash of red.

Red!

On my front doorstep!

My pulse raced, my heart was in my mouth. I just knew it! It was from him! What could it be? Had he found my hearts desire? It was a parcel! I love parcels! And what was it in this box? Every womans true desire! In short, my friends, yes.......It was a box of frozen chico rolls.

When I recovered from the dead swoon in which I had found myself, I read the note accompanying the parcel, which can be seen for time immemorial- displayed upon my fridge.

This is the way I will always remember VVS. It may have been that he went out and got married the day after he sent me the Chico Rolls (which are so hard to come by in India). But he knows, and I know, that always in his heart I will always be his Dahl Princess.

Perhaps the most definitive list of pirate jokes ever.

How to be popular with your friends.

As I very well know, there is nothing that makes you quite so popular as a pirate joke or two speckled indiscriminately into general conversation..........And if there is something else I know, it is that no-one EVER gets tired of hearing the same old Pirate jokes repeated ad-nauseum. So I thought that as an act of public service- I should make public the Pirate gems that I have managed to gleam from my travels. Please add any that I have forgotten.

(And if you are feeling angry look into the little kitten's eyes. (He is called Philip.))

• What is a Pirate's favourite type of Movie?

One that is rated Arrrgggghhhh!

• What is a Pirate's favourite animal?

an Arrrggghhhdvark!

• How does a Pirate like to travel when on Land?

-In a Caaarrrgghhh!

• How much does a Pirate charge for ear-piercing?

-A Buccaneer!

• Where does a Pirate keep his Buccaneers?

-Under his Buccan'at!

• What is a Pirate's favourie sort of jumper?

-Arrrgggyyle!

• What is a pirate's favourite character from a Jane Austen Novel?

-Mr Daaarrrggghhcy!

• Why did the Pirate do his belt up with a Pumpkin?

-He was a Squash-buckler!

• What is a Pirate's favourite Protest Song?

-The Times, They arrrggghhh a changing!

• How did the Pirate poison his wife?

-Arrrggghhsnic!

• What do you call the pirate who tried to burn down his own ship?

-An Aarrrggghhsonist!

• How did the French Pirate say good-bye?

-Arrrgggghhh-Revoir!

• Where did the French Pirate catch the Train?

-A'la Gaaarrrrrre!

Things to look out for if you are in.........Japan!

Well fine followers. This is the beginning of a series of strange and wonderful things to look out for -if ye be in a strange and wonderful place. This series is interactive-so if you are to be somewhere exotic, or even just in one of the outer suburbs of Lake Macquarie -you just drop me a line, and I may or may not tell you what you should be looking out for (Depending on my whim).

As I always say- whether you are home, or away, you are always overseas from something.

Today this entry is specially for young Harry Potter, who has decided to seek his fortune in the land of the rising sun.

I have sent many before on this mission, and I have no doubt will send many after him, but as I have observed- Mark has a fast eye and a level head about him, he may finally be the boy to (yes!......yes!......it is time my pretties!) take on the GIANT CRAB!

This large crustacean is Arch-Nemesis to Captain Adam ((shown in this picture, (disguised as someone called Stephen)) -who lost his big toe to this giant beast and sworn vengeance from this day forth. The Giant Crab terrorises the Japanese coast, and has been seen so far away as the coast of Russia and Norway!

Take Heed Mark, and keep your wits about you. For you never know from which direction the clattering of claws over pavement will come. So keep one eye on the sea, and hopefully another on Mittens!

Bon Voyage!

Strange Sea Beasties #2. A series on exotic sharks (Part 3) The Loan Shark

loan sharks

Try not to meet one at a party.

Strange Beasties #2 (Part2) A series on exotic sharks. The Card Shark

Well, I hate to say it, but you were really duped this time. After a long voyage of exploration (from which I have only this day returned)-I have found that the Card Shark- (according to the huzzafish classification of sea beasts) is no separate species of shark at all- but (you guessed it!) A SHARK MADE OF PAPER!

No natural phenomeni are these little warmits. I even did a search, and you can make your own! Wonders will never cease! Who'd of thunk it!

Huzza Fish!

In the immortal words of my favourite book- Moby Dick (which I have never been able to read to the end yet-though my favourite chapter is about chowder). I would like to pay homage to dolphins- or Huzza fish, as they shall henceforth be known.

For in the words of Herman Melville "he always swims in hilarious shoals, which upon the broad sea keep tossing themselves to heaven like caps in a Fourth-of-July crowd. Their appearance is generally hailed with delight by the mariner. Full of fine spirits, they invariably come from the breezy billows to windward. They are the lads that always live before the wind. They are accounted a lucky omen. If you yourself can withstand three cheers at beholding these vivacious fish, then heaven help ye;"

I challenge any man to look at these happy creatures cavorting through the water without yelling -"Huzzah!!!" I know I Can't!

Strange Beasties #2 (Part 1) A series on exotic sharks. The Pool Shark.

Well, thankyou Captain Adam for your fine suggestions. I was intrigued to find out that pool sharks actually exist- and it made a nice change for me to focus on a still/chlorinated water animal, rather than my normal sea beasts.

It always amazes me whenever people do not believe in evolution- how could they not, looking at this fine example? Far from it's bloodthirsty sea loving cousin the pool shark has totally adapted to it's new environment. As well as obviously being more manually dextorous- from the reports that I have heard, the shark has also changed diet. Apart from the odd really stupid/shortsighted bather, this shark primarily survives on a diet of bar snacks (mainly salt and vingar potato chips and pickled eggs).

Strange Sea Beasts #1 The SeaHorse

Using the example of the famed marine biologist Bernard Heuglemans, and his seminal work of (1967) (which I will explain more about as soon as I find myself a secondhand copy) I have decided to classify every strange sea beast -known to man and "doubted" by "skeptics". (For a true and accurate recreation of that sentence, it must be read with a scowl at the end, and a two finger wriggling gesture-for the inverted commas.)

I did not actually believe in this strange sea beastie, until I was enlightened as to it's existence by Margaret at Statistics (which is where I am currently working when not haunting the sea-side like a lost ghost). She even has photographic evidence to prove her claim. (with her kind permission I have posted it here for you to see also.)

I just find the likeness to it's land borne cousin incredible. Unlike those other little pissy things......

Dicing with Death and Giving the Benefit of the Doubt.

Now, as regular readers will know, I am no stranger to dicing with death. In fact it regularly comes to my doorway, and we will often swap polite chit chat, or knock up a quick stir-fry.

Having read the story of my birth, I am sure that you are all thinking "Gee I bet that poor lassie moved inland, and swore never to look at the sea again in her whole life!"

But there you are wrong.

Above is a picture of my preferred place of residence.
Sunny Newcastle- situated smack bang between the harbour and the sea.

"Why? Why!" my parents ask (or more accurately wail) "must she always be tempting cruel fate -knowing as she does that the cruel tentacled beastie has chosen her as it's prey. "

I choose to live here- facing fortune square in the face. Though often looking from side to side for signs of rippling in the water indicating which direction the tentacled grappler may come. I love my life, and I find that it is richer for it's uncertainty and adventure.

I like to give this sea creature the benefit of the doubt. Is it my destiny to meet my doom by it's tentacle? Or is this strange creature in some benevolent way looking out for me, with a plan to claim me as one of it's own?

Wise words.....

"Men of the future-perhaps very soon-can live as fishes!"
-Jacque Cousteau

While..."HOT!"
is all I have to say!

The story of my birth.

You may ask how a young woman like me could have such an affinity for strange sea creatures. But somtimes life is just like that. For me, the whole obsession started on the day of my birth.

I was born in the middle of a strange unseasonal tempest, in the small suburban town in sunny, sleepy Lake Macquarie. The wind roared and screamed- hail and rain had lashed against the windows for days before my birth. People could sense that something paranormal was afoot.

People walked around muttering, and looking strangely at one another.... what has happened to our sleepy little town they pondered........something was just not right. On the day of my birth, the wind screamed louder than ever - and an unearthly screaming was heard just off the coast.

As I was born, the tempest suddenly faded, leaving the loveliest day ever. A day that has seldom been seen -breathtaking in its supreme serenity and beauty. The only abberation was that passers by reported seeing a tentacled arm disappearing with a lonely trail of bubbles -making it's way to the sea. Biding it's time.

Since that day my destiny has been set.

Well you learn something new every day.

Oodako - Giant OctopusFilm Appearances: King Kong vs Godzilla (1962) The Oodako is a gigantic octopus which roams the shallow waters off the shores of Faro Island. When the creature comes ashore one evening to attack the native village, the gigantic ape King Kong senses the presenceof an enemy and attacks the creature, dispatching the Oodako with littletrouble.

*Length: 25 Meters*Weight:20,000 Tons

Favourite sayings #1

A shrimp in the hand is worth two in the sea.

Cheese Fish

In my long and esteemed travels I am no stranger to amazement, but I came across one of the stranger of the strange things that I have ever seen in the sultry south seas last autumn.

These pesky little fish are one of the greatest wonders of nature -darting around their watery home, there is no better sight for sore and salty eyes. A good eating fish, the natives of the area report that these fish are best served raw, and occassionally on crackers.

Missing in action

Hey, sorry about that everyone.

Sometimes the sea just calls for me, and I go missing for several months. I arrive back, sometimes a bit wetter, but always a lot wiser than when I embarked. Oh the stories that I could tell! Oh the sights that I have seen.

Pull up a chair by the fire, and after a puff on my pipe..... I may begin to tell you of the wonders.....

ships ahoy!

http://www.cartoonbank.com/prints_covers.aspmscssid=8QS8W3DHC35X8LQ401HBD6SVQ4490B66&sitetype=1

This photo is of the great whale invasion of cruise ships in late 1990. Confused by their shared usual habits of roaming the seven seas. Whales everywhere tried to board cruise ships in the mistaken belief that their quality of life would be better wearing oversize floral dresses and playing shuttlecock. Sadly the poor quality of dinner conversation cured them of this misapprehension and they have since recommenced swimming by themselves.